A RECIPE FOR MOVING ON

Taken from Grandma’s old-fashioned recipes

Cooking time: 21 days

First, start with the base. Have something in your life that you just can’t quit. It’s bad for you, it’s impacting your life in a negative way and you know you need to get rid of it. This can be anything - beavers, chocolate cake, crushes, Twitter or orange juice. The important thing is that you crave it. Obsessively.

Then sprinkle 4 tea spoons of I Hate Myself on it. You wake up every morning, cursing yourself for your craving, your addiction. You can’t look in the mirror without wanting to write angsty poetry about your weakness. Your soul has been crippled by your lack of self-discipline and gluttony.

Then, add a scoop of denial. It’s not that bad. You’re okay! So what if you punched a baby in the face because it was sitting between you and the chocolate cake? That baby should have moved. Twitter is a part of you, it’s your window to the world, if you stop tweeting, how will your 32 followers know what you ate for breakfast? And come on, not visiting your sick grandmother in the hospital because you were watching beavers on discovery channel is not a crime. It is, in fact, perfectly understandable and everybody would have done the same thing in your position.  Besides, sitting in the bushes behind the bedroom of The Object of Your Affection is not stalking, unless you have two restraining orders.  

Add 10 buckets of determination. Ask yourself where the power went, when did you stop being able to say no to yourself, where did you lose that self-control, that self-discipline? When did beaversaremyhomeboys.com become your homepage?  Listen to Nicki Minaj (I recommend the song 'did it on em' - a quote: If I had a dick, I would pull it out and piss on em) , Glee soundtrack (Don't stop believing! Hold on to that feeeeeling!)  and any other song that is saying “I’m a fierce independent individual and I don’t need you, bitch!” If necessary, write that line down on a post-it, your wall or your face.  

Nicki Minaj would break the bad habit. And then break its face.

Add 3 Spoons of power, chopped fine. You are in charge. You are number uno in your life. Nothing can control you. Delete Twitter. Stop checking your phone obsessively for new text messages. Beavers are not that cool.